Yes, I’ve been on a hiatus. Writing on Substack was fun while it lasted, but I’ve started eating clean(er), drinking way less, and I’ve fallen in love with a guy I was friends with. As friends, for months we’d go on benders and joke about doing crack with random people we met in on of Sydney’s only 24/7 pubs. I had a crush on him since I first saw him sitting on a couch in the Crix in Feb and we flirted over DMs.
We’d both slept with people we both know in the past. The last time that happened to me I was vilified for years and ridiculed for it. This guy doesn’t give a shit about my past because he’s not a deadbeat, insecure cunt. Crazy, right. That’s a first for me — and I’m not even bored in the slightest. Every day I’m excited to do the wholesome shit and we offset it by doing on dates to fancy restaurants and doing rack in their bathrooms. He makes me feel like everything is going to always be okay. And he doesn’t even get scared off when I breakdown about the damage I’ve had done to my brain by my abusive ex, which is rarer now than it was a year ago and that’s a great sign. It’s because I’m happy.
It’s not all him, I’ve done loads of work, despite what’s happened this year. My 2 month “Sydney sober” (coke no alcohol) stint ended in April when my best friend of 12 years died by suicide. She jumped off the Bondi gap, the same way my close 21 year old friend died exactly a year before. I spiralled, used Valium again, got blackout drunk every weekend.
I then went to London, Amsterdam and Berlin in July for 2 weeks. I did coke everyday, face planted in a random person’s house and burnt my face on the carpet. In Berlin, I went to meet someone I had mutual friends with; I remember sticking a rolled up note right into a massive container of ketamine then woke up at 4am in a hospital, alone. I went back to my friend’s place, woke up 3 hours later and went and drunk beer and did rack from midday until 10am the next day when I had to board a train to Warsaw to get the flight home. I couldn’t fly out of Berlin because there’s a warrant for my arrest there. I owe the government a lot of money.
The first weekend back in Sydney, my current boyfriend asked me out on a date. I had no idea he also had a crush on me. We’ve seen each other most days since.
My “girlfriend trapper” story cause a lot of drama with the guy it was about’s new girlfriend who is 6 years younger than me.
So, I gave this blog a rest. The VICE articles served their purpose, and being controversial is fun until it isn’t. Yeah, the way I live my life is objectively pretty gross (in a hot way) and I stand by my opinions and statements, but maybe not everyone deserves to get entertainment out of it. Maybe it’s mine and for my close friends. I’m not embarrassed about any of it. I’m just considering gatekeeping it. It’s just what I’m doing for now.
(I also can’t keep writing on Substack because all I’ll want to do is rant about how smart, hot, funny, crazy and cool my bf is and my friends have to deal with that always, anyway. Here, I’ll get it out of my system… He took me to Nobu on our first date and we told them it was our 5 year anniversary so he asked them to take a pic of us kissing with the cake they made us. He is impulsive as fuck so he gives me a run for my money. When we’re in a room around other people all I want to do is talk to him, because I know I’ll learn something and piss myself laughing while I do. The first thing he does when he wins big money at the casino is tell me he’s won big for us. We’re going to the Chinese Vegas next year so maybe my high roller bf will win me enough for a Birkin. Actually i dont even want a Birkin, i want a Givenchy… He listens to much cooler music than I do. And he has the best style, even if he’s just wearing a wifebeater, gold chain and jeans. Every time he comes to my place (which is a lot) he brings a new item of clothing I’ve never seen because he’s thrifted it on the way there. He gets most of my groceries for me. He can spend hours alone wandering the city or the suburbs, sees his good friends a lot, he always has an idea on what to do - but he wants to spend as much time as possible with me anyway. When he tells me he loves me I know it’s not something he’s saying for the sake of it. He thinks my stories are funny and not batshit crazy because he has an amazing sense of humour and is witty as fuck. He calls me “babe” and I know he’d definetly fight someone if it was needed, but he’s not a hot head so he’s not going around picking fights. His body is the best body I’ve ever put my hands on and his smile makes me melt. I’m really excited for what we’ll get up to, cause I know it’s going to be good.)